TechIntersect

The empathetic response is the secret to delivering bad news without coming across like a class-A jerk. Love  & Logic teaches that consequences delivered with empathy allows kid to direct blame inward, while consequences delivered with anger provides an escape valve for them to project blame elsewhere. This is often where many parents & teachers (myself included) mess up.

Recently my 5 y/o & I were in Walmart. He wandered off & soon returned with four Ninja Turtle DVD’s at $10 ea. and he only had $6 in his pocket. That’s great, I’ll bet you’ll really enjoy those, I said. Let’s check out. (We were at a not so busy electronics counter). Give them your money.

The clerk smiled, we need more than $6, honey. She whispers to him, try to talk your dad into loaning you some more.

Oh, no, I said. He buys his movies with his OWN money! How do you feel about taking $6 for these movies? I asked the clerk.

I don’t think I can do that, she says, thinking to herself I must be an idiot.

She says she won’t take $6, I sadly tell him.

He starts crying and throwing a fit. That’s a bummer, I tell him. What are you going to do?

By this time, there are two clerks, and they think their heart is going to break at the sight of my disappointed & distraught boy. Maybe you can find a toy that you can buy for $6, they offer. How about a car? They suggest.

Then my son perks up. Yeah, maybe we can find a toy. Let’s go Dad.

So we leave the videos at the counter, off to the toy section, with my reputation as an understanding dad intact.

Wait, it gets better. After several minutes of looking for under $6 toys, he settles on a pair of foam swords, one for him & one for his sister. You really want those? I ask. A kid could get into a lot of trouble with those. Yes. he’s decided. OK, you decide. I reply.

You might be able to guess where this is going. Only a few hours later, I was again being a sad, empathetic dad when I explained that I only let sword fights happen between kids who take it outside, and don’t try to hurt each other. We’ll get the swords down another day when I have more energy & feel like you guys won’t get crazy with them.

Yes, it is a lot of work to do it this way. Yes, to some parents it seems like I’m a pushover when I don’t get angry when straightening my kids out. (trust me, if you stick around long enough you can see the anger too.) But as Jim Fay puts it, “someday they’ll be the ones choosing my nursing home.” Hopefully when that time comes they will remember the patience I’ve tried so hard to model for them.

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